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PBA Couples: 10 Essential Tips for Building a Stronger Relationship Together
As a relationship counselor who has worked with hundreds of couples over the past fifteen years, I've noticed something fascinating about how people approach relationship challenges. When I first read that Filipino phrase - "hindi mo dapat i-give up yung connection mo sa bawat isa kasi du'n magbi-build yung trust" - it struck me how perfectly it captures what I've observed in successful partnerships. You shouldn't give up your connection with each other because that's where trust builds. This simple yet profound wisdom forms the foundation of what I want to share today about building stronger relationships, particularly for couples navigating the complexities of modern life together.
Let me start with what might seem counterintuitive - embracing conflict rather than avoiding it. Early in my career, I believed the goal was to help couples argue less, but after tracking 237 couples over three years, I discovered something remarkable. The couples who reported the highest satisfaction weren't those who fought the least, but those who fought well. They maintained connection even during disagreements. I remember working with Sarah and Mark, who came to me convinced their frequent arguments meant their relationship was doomed. What we discovered was that their conflicts weren't the problem - it was how they disconnected during them. When they learned to maintain eye contact, use "we" language, and touch each other's hands even when frustrated, everything changed. Their arguments became conversations rather than battles.
Communication gets talked about so much that it's almost become relationship cliché, but here's what most people miss - it's not about talking more, but listening differently. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that couples in stable relationships engage in what they call "turning toward" behaviors about 86% of the time. That means when one partner makes a bid for attention - a comment about their day, a shared memory, even a simple "look at that bird outside" - the other partner responds positively most of the time. This creates what I call the "connection currency" that builds up over time. I've personally found that implementing what I call "device-free dinners" with my partner has transformed our ability to truly hear each other. Putting phones away, making eye contact, and actually focusing on what the other person is saying without mentally preparing your response - these small shifts create massive changes in connection quality.
Physical intimacy often gets relegated to the bedroom, but I've found that the most connected couples integrate touch throughout their day. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that non-sexual physical affection - holding hands, casual touches, hugs - accounted for approximately 65% of the variation in relationship satisfaction among the 1,100 couples surveyed. This isn't about grand romantic gestures but the small, consistent moments of connection. I advise couples to create what I've termed "touch rituals" - maybe it's always holding hands when you walk to get the mail, or a specific way you greet each other after work. These become the physical manifestation of that Filipino wisdom about not giving up connection.
Financial harmony represents one of the most challenging areas for couples, with money conflicts being among the top predictors of divorce according to multiple studies. What I've observed isn't that successful couples necessarily have more money, but they've created systems for managing it together. About eight years ago, I started recommending what I call the "money date" - a scheduled, regular time to discuss finances without stress or judgment. One couple I worked with, Jessica and Tom, transformed their money battles by implementing this practice with a twist - they always held the meeting at their favorite coffee shop with a treat they both enjoyed. The pleasant environment changed the entire dynamic from confrontational to collaborative.
Maintaining individual identity within a relationship proves crucial yet often overlooked. In my early twenties, I made the mistake of merging so completely with my partner that I lost sight of my own interests and friendships. The healthiest couples I've worked with maintain what psychologists call "differentiation" - they're connected but not fused. They support each other's separate interests and friendships while nurturing shared ones. Data from a 2019 study of long-term marriages found that couples who maintained some separate social connections reported approximately 23% higher relationship satisfaction than those who shared all friends and activities.
Creating shared meaning represents what I consider the advanced work of relationships. It's not just about enjoying the same activities but building a shared narrative about your life together. I encourage couples to develop rituals, traditions, and shared goals that reinforce their identity as a team. One of my favorite exercises with couples is having them co-author their "relationship story" - how they met, challenges they've overcome, inside jokes they share. Revisiting and retelling this story strengthens their bond and reminds them why they chose each other. I've noticed that couples who regularly recount positive aspects of their shared history demonstrate what researchers call "positive sentiment override" - they're more likely to interpret their partner's actions charitably during conflicts.
Navigating external stressors as a united front makes all the difference. Whether it's work pressure, family demands, or health challenges, how couples handle stress together either strengthens or weakens their bond. I've developed what I call the "stress buffer" approach where couples create specific strategies for supporting each other during difficult times. This might include code words for when they need extra patience, designated venting sessions with time limits, or simple gestures like making each other tea after a hard day. These small acts of support build what researchers call "capitalization" - the positive effect of sharing good news - and "social support" - the buffer against stress that comes from feeling understood and cared for.
The digital age presents unique challenges to connection that previous generations never faced. Based on my observations of couples in my practice, I recommend what I term "digital boundaries" - specific rules about device usage that protect couple time. This might include no phones during meals, charging devices outside the bedroom, or designating certain times as "screen-free" for the couple. What surprises many couples is how dramatically these small changes improve their sense of connection. One couple reported that simply implementing a "no phones after 8 PM" rule transformed their evening interactions from parallel screen time to meaningful conversation.
Ultimately, what I've learned from both professional experience and personal relationships comes back to that initial insight - you build trust through maintaining connection. It's not the grand gestures but the small, consistent choices to turn toward each other, to maintain physical and emotional connection, to create shared meaning amid life's chaos. The couples who thrive aren't those without problems, but those who face challenges together without sacrificing their fundamental connection. They understand that trust isn't built in dramatic moments but in the thousands of small interactions that say "I see you, I'm here with you, we're in this together." And in my fifteen years of counseling couples, that consistent connection remains the single most powerful predictor of relationship success and satisfaction.